No retreat, no surrender

Did you watch Glee’s The Quarterback episode last night? The episode featured the death of Finn Hudson, and a tribute to actor Cory Monteith who portrayed Finn starting with the show’s pilot, and who died on July 13, 2013. Monteith has influenced me in so many ways. He’s been my role model, the person I’ve looked up to for the past years. I’ve been watching Glee since the beginning, accidentally. There was something about the show when I first watched it that made me feel so closely related to the characters and this episode is in particular.

Watching the episode brings back thousands of memories. I lost two of my mates in the last 2 years. There was Ben. He was my roommate and my best friend back in summer 2012 until he died of leukemia. We met at the place we worked for a part-time job. He never told me anything about his cancer. Then 2 days before I went back home, his father rang me and told Ben was hospitalised. For once I thought he just worked too hard at work. I decided not to visit him because he lived about an hour away.

A few hours later his father rang me again, and told me he passed away. I was heartbroken and devastated. I didn’t know what to say. The night before we completed the job, we told each other what would happen to us in the future. I said I didn’t know, but I wanted to be a musician. Then he said he couldn’t wait to watch my first debut. That was a joke that used to be funny, but not anymore. Now it just brought me to tears knowing that he will never be. Ben, I promise someday, if I make it to the radio, TV or somewhere else, I will keep the first ticket for you.

The second one was Philip. Two months ago he committed suicide because of an unknown reason. When I found out he died, I felt exactly the same way Puck felt on the episode. I completely lost a part of my life. I was trapped in a very deep grief I didn’t know how to express my feeling and let it all out. I had this feeling that no one would understand, so I pretended I was cool with that. The way Puck said “If I start crying, I don’t think I’ll ever stop.” embodied what I was feeling for weeks long. I knew something was wrong with him, but he always refused to tell me what had been going on with him.

If it was his choice not to tell anyone what he was going through and to end his sorrow, well then there’s nothing I could do about it. I didn’t say that suicide is okay but really I couldn’t do anything, neither could his other friends and family. He always wanted to be a teacher, just like Finn. Now that he’s gone, that dream will never come true, just like Finn’s. Man, you should of told me. At least we could have sought for help or something that’d make you feel better and throw that suicidal feeling away. Rest in peace.

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